Well I knew it would happen but not this fast. My 2 sides have decided to merge and become one. The one side that wants to complain about politics has decided to mate with the other side that wants to live pain free. Can't wait to see what kind of offspring result. Should be a fun time for all.
There I was, just an average all American taker, sitting at my computer and getting ready to vent about the lack of morals on the Republican side of the spectrum when wham I started to day dream about my monkey tail. For those who are not familiar with my tail fantasies, I will give a quick over view.
I have a ton of things wrong with my back, I have had surgeries etc. There isn't much left that can be done so I fantasize about getting a brand new spine from a monkey including the tail. It's pretty harmless and a great outlet for my anger. That said back to today's story.
My dream started out pretty normal. I was sitting on a bus reading the paper and using my tail to hold my coffee. When I got to my destination I got out and went inside. It was a giant stadium where I was going to moderate a brand new Republican debate of the issues with a twist. Every candidate had to be wearing a bikini just like the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. I was back in the dressing room area and there was Governor Christie waddling around in an ice blue bikini, his donut eating body jiggling all over the place. Mike Huckabee was wearing a solid yellow model as he rehearsed in front of his mirror. Rick Santorum was arguing with one of his aides about which bikini to wear, the Fluorescent pink with the fringe or the lime green with no fringe. Rand Paul was insisting that he would wear a 1 piece swimsuit and not a bikini, yelling something about how the rules didn't apply to him. Jeb Bush was walking around in a nice gray suit and red, white and blue tie. Meanwhile the Koch brothers were running around dropping off boxes full of different swimsuits for the candidates. Just then Ted Cruz walked in. He was pretty upset. Seems he didn;t get an invitation to the debate. He was screaming about how this was a conspiracy of the liberal media.
To hear more about this historic debate between the many insane candidates for the Republican nomination jump on down below the orange snow doodle.
This was not one of my usual monkey tail fantasies. Not by a long shot. If it was it would have included my flinging poop at Dick Cheney. But he does make a visit. There was about 10 minutes before we were to take the stage. The stadium was packed. Then I suddenly heard the Emperor's music from Star Wars and here comes Dick Cheney. He is dressed just like the Emperor was in a long black robe with the hood up. He was followed by a small group of aides all dressed in black.
He stood in the middle of the hallway and spoke. "Come !" That was all he said and it was amazing. The candidates all came running. Ted Cruz was pushing his way to the front and knocked down Herman Cain. I didn't know he was even at the event. They all knelt down on one knee with Cruz right at the front. He looked up at Cheney with an expression of rapt admiration on his face.
He threw back his hood to reveal his trademark scowl on his lined face. "You fools, you are disgracing our party. You need to be more like my good friend George W. Bush here." He pulled his arm out and there was Bush. Cheney's arm deep inside working him like a warped Howdy Doody. "Emperor Cheney is right my fellow Republicans. We need to stick together to educatify the nation about the dangers of that harridan Clinton. She is the greatest danger our country has faced. She is an axis of evil that needs to be invaded just like I invaded Iraq to destroy their weapons of mass destruction. Jebbie, It is time for you step up and take your rightful place at Emperor Cheney's side. He can guide you to your own mission accomplished moment on an aircraft carrier. You need to warify your campaign and start the attack with shock and awe. Only then can you win." Jeb stood up. He looked at his brother with pity. "I will never go over to the dark side brother. I have better leaders to follow." He snapped his fingers and instantly the Koch brothers appeared at his side. "We must follow the lead of our great benefactors, the Kochs. We will never allow you to lead us again. We have moved on from your devious ways and found new puppet masters to pull our strings." "I can't allow you to go on this way Jebbie, you must know how powerful my master Dick Cheney is. He will destroy you if you continue this feeble attempt to change your destiny." "I can not follow you brother. I have my own path now and you are the past. I am moving on to the future. The Kochs have much more power now than your feeble master Cheney." "Very good Jeb. " Charles said as he tossed him a bacon wrapped oyster and patted him on the head. They had suddenly appeared out of a huge plume of smoke. "We control the party now Cheney. Your old ways are dead. Begone from this site before you are humiliated more." David intoned in his slow drawl. "You think you can replace me ? Fuck you ! I will shoot you in the face while we are hunting !" Cheney shouted. His face growing very red. Your power is gone. Your time is past. Take your puppet and leave, the party has moved on from you and your chicanery." Charles said quietly yet his words carried more power than Dick's yelling. "You'll regret this !" Screamed Cheney as he put his hood up and turned and stalked off. Taking George with him.
The power struggle hadn't lasted more than 5 minutes. There was a pall in the air. Ted Cruz looked as if he might cry. Rand Paul got up and pranced back to his dressing room and the rest of the candidates followed. A staffer called out 5 minutes until the debate begins. I grabbed a fresh cup of coffee with my tail and headed out to the podium to look over my notes. Minutes later the candidates filed out to cheers from the crowd except for Governor Christie, there was the sound of many people retching as he strutted out to his podium. To avoid my own gag reflex coming into play I decided to not look at him. Finally everyone was on stage. That is when the day dream ended.
I kind of wish I could have seen the debate. Or at least the parts that didn't contain Governor Christie. He really did look horrible in that bikini. So there you have it. My monkey tail fantasy has collided head long with my political views. I am wondering what is next. Could it be an opportunity to fling poop at more insane Republican candidates ? I will keep you informed. Hope you enjoyed it. I know I did.
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